About g...
The sky is always crying these days. I hate it. only cowards and those weak of
heart cry. the sky is a coward. it's weak. it makes me feel and remember things
i'd rather not.
category 4 typhoon Parma is hitting the country right now
people greatly exaggerated it's strength in a fit of panic.
they said it would be stronger than typhoon Xangsane, or Millenio as it is
locally known, which ripped the capital with its shearing winds back in 2006.
i remember that time...we were out of electricity at home. the dangerous part
was that we were also out of potable drinking water. my dad and i went around
the whole city trying to find a shop that sells distilled water. but all of
them were closed down because of the storm.it was then that i thought to ask my
then best friend g. i asked him if he knew any water stations around that
was still open. he answered graciously. and he told us of one around bf
village. it turns out, that shop was the only one for miles that still worked,
and dozens lined up for it. i wouldn't be exaggerating in saying that my friend
saved me, and my whole family that day. and i wasn't lacking in flooding him
with my dramatic gratitude.
now a similar storm is raging...but my friend isn't there to help me
anymore...for some reason or another, we've grown apart. our relationship is as
stormy as the typhoon outside. uncertain, unexpected, no pause for sunlight.
all my requests for some time together are met with endless and obvious
excuses, if not unheard all together.
just recently i asked him if we could hang together, maybe play some badminton,
considering we haven't seen each other for months, with barely any contact in
between. i planned it three days in advance. and i texted him continuously
throughout that period, hoping for a reply that never came. my texts never lost
their gentleness regardless. the day before my planned date for a get-together,
he texted a lengthy reply. he lacked load the past few days he said, and
apologized for the late reply. that was all well...but then he said that he
couldn't come because he had a lot of schoolwork to catch up to. that
considering the week long suspension of classes. schoolwork. really. needless
to say, i was crushed. i knew there and then that it was an obvious excuse, an
intentional lie. of course, the message ended with him profusely apologizing.
just like in every text reply he ever sent me...messages i never erased from
my phone.
even then, i just replied.."oh..ok, it's alright." but obviously i wasn't.
silence met that last exchange between us.
tomorrow came, the date i was supposed to spend with him...i just recently knew
then that gi had a facebook account. i dared not add him as a friend, for fear
that he might see my emotional status posts on my profile. emotional status
posts that were almost always about my lamentation over our falling-out. which
constituted nearly all of my status posts. besides, there was that lingering
psychological effect on me...adding him up would only cause me to hurt inside,
i figured.
i asked a mutual friend of ours to check if he had actually been using his
account, just to check a suspicion of mine. i was proven correct. piles of
undone schoolwork amounted to a day spent using facebook and its myriad of
games and applications.
i heavily suspect that he's doing this intentionally, consciously distancing
himself from me. well, he has succeeded, because i let him, because it hurt me
too much thinking about asking him why. i loved him too much. to the point that
i could confidently tell even the Lord that now i know how it is to love as He
does, even if just a little bit. g was the only person i ever loved more than
a lover could ever love his fiance. and perhaps...he finally knew of my true
feelings for him, and thus began to sever our ties...
i actually wanted him to know. but i didn't want it to end... this badly. at
the least, i wanted to tell him of my love, then make amends and leave each
other in peace. but what's happening now is more subtle, yet a more potent
venomous sting. we never really broke ties. he keeps the illusion of friendship
while severing it ever so slowly. it keeps me in agony...and in a constant
state of longing and regret.
i should just tell him and get it over with. but i can't exactly find it easy
to do. g has been one of the biggest influences in my life. he taught me how
it was to love, and what love really meant, indirectly through the course of
our relationship. he changed me so much. he made my life better. he was that
boyhood best friend i was never privileged to have when i was younger. he
helped me grow and develop in such an important aspect of my life. i grew to
love him even more because of that...and probably that is why i can't help but
cling to him...or rather, to the memory of how we were happy together.
i try hard to stop being so emotional. i try hard to just break it all and move
on. but it's too hard for me right now. he made that much of an impact on me
that i can't just let go. it doesn't help that he lost my guitar, which he
borrowed from me 3 years previously. my parents are in a furor, telling me to
get it back. but i can't even tell them g lost it, for fear of the action
they will take. even now, i'm still protecting the only boy i ever loved. i
can't even be aggressive with him about it. i still take up the heart of
understanding and gentleness..while he shrugs it off as some easily forgotten
matter while profusely apologizing some more.
what he doesn't see is the matter of trust, that he so easily desecrated.
just recently, i went back to that water station that g told me about, the one
that saved my family. now, it's just a decrepit abandoned building.
remembering our loving bond back then, memories of him in the past, because of
the typhoon now is making me tear up inside. reflecting on how painful things
are right now, memories of him in the present...will forever haunt my every
footstep. i can never truly say that i lived my life without regrets.
all the while, the sky cries in the night.
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