To live life anew when it's already too late

Finally I am free. Free from hatred, free from anger, free from my past, free from myself. Never shall I forget this date, November 24, '07. That was the Saturday that marked my freedom, and the beggining of my new life. My dearest friends were there with me. We had a toast of coffee to our friendship. It was God's gift to me.

I find myself pondering now. Only after four years have I learned to let go and be free. Four years of my life wasted in bitterness and hate. Four years...and now, everything shall come to a close. I've only learned to truly be alive just now, when everything nears its end. Although, I am grateful for my freedom, I can't help but remember and lament that time wasted. My youth that I've wasted. Is this new life still worth it, now that this life draws to a close? I pray so.

One of my dearest friends told me, "It was better that you set yourself free now, than not at all. You're time to live it is short, so live it now to the fulest. Enjoy it, live it, while you still can. It is the only meaningful thing left of the time that remains...". She's right of course. But I still can't get it out of my head...the time I wasted in despairing...a time when I could've already been free and happy had i learned to let go earlier.

I find myself having close friendships with First Years. It seems that, instead of my classmtes, I've found solace and friendship in their younger brothers and sisters. Does that seem strange? Yes, it is strange to find someone my age hanging around kids as young as them. But it doesn't matter to me. I guess...I found a connection with them in a way I can never find among my peers. My young friends remind me of a childhood i never enjoyed, a life I could have lived, the tantalizing "what could have been" had my life been more happy then. I see in them that long lost possibility. I see in them the childhood friends I never had. And I guess, there was a part of me that never grew up, the child in me that wanted nothing more to be loved and accepted. It found what it was looking for in these friends of mine, and with them, I am happy, I am at rest.

My mother kept telling me that the last 4 years of my life should have been my happiest. I spent all that time being the opposite. But now at least, I have set myself free. there is little time remaining for "the happiest times in my life". Then I shall spend what time I have left living the life I should have lived.