The Many Symbolisms of Life

I might just be weird. I might just be strange. I might just be overly critical, because I tend to see almost everything that happens in my life as a symbolic foreshadowing of another more important experience. The dark, heavy clouds could make me think that it's a symbolism of failure, as in our presentation for that afternoon would go awry. A simple event such as someone knocking over a glass of juice might symbolize (to me at least) that I might fail an upcoming quiz. Virgil says it's ridiculous...these paranoid sense of giving meaning to meaningless events...but hey...they say God works in mysterious ways...

I once mentioned that I lost my class jersey that had the "Geronimo 69" on its back. I couldn't find it for a good 3 days. I had a feeling who took it. As a matter of fact, I kinda expected him to take it. So no big deal. But all in one day, I finally set things right with him, apologies were made and enmity forgotten. Then he said out of the blue, "I took your jersey. I hid it over the shelves. It was was lying around and looking messy so I got irritated and hid it". "I appreciate you telling me...but then again, I guess I expected you to do it. It was my fault anyway".

That event was very symbolic for me. It served as a very succinct summary of my reawakwning. It was the symbolism of my rebirth.

I lost the jersey, without any care for where I put it. Kinda like how I didn't care what I did to people out of my pride. I lost the jersey, almost like how I lost myself to anger and arrogance. Then after I made up with the one who hid my jersey, I found it again, or rather, he told me where it was. It kinda symbolizes how I found myself again after I learned to let go of my pride, he told me where it was; my friends told me where to find myself...in letting go of who I wasn't. I said to him that I expected him to do it, maybe because I knew that he wouldn't do those things if I hadn't done the things I've done...nearly everything that I endured was in one way or another, caused by myself...

I chose to put what is written on my Jersey because it symbolizes who I am. For me, the jersey symbolized me, and the whole business of it getting lost and being found again was my journey to redemption. My silver candlesticks...only it's made of cotton.

With your words you've set me free from the last vestiges of my forsaken past

and for that, I thank you, with all my heart, truthfully, sincerely and gratefully (redundant much?)...do you know how happy you made me feel? well, i'm really happy. very happy. at last, i can reall say, i'm free of the wretchedness of my past. i'm free from the haunting memories. the veil has been lifted, and now i see how bright the room really is...

i won't hide this from you. i considered our enmity to be the greatest personal struggle in my life. now that we've resolved it, i feel a profound sense of peace within me...thank you. you've given a man the peace of mind that has always eluded him. you've completed my rebirth to a new life.

you're right. i took too long to realize everything...but at least i've changed...and what time remains, i will use to live anew.


Isang liham mula kay Ligaya para kay Mr. Balajadia

------On a totally unrelated note, I would like to address Mr. Balajadia. Julio swore to God and to himself that he'd let go of his hate. Julio bears you no ill will, but he can never forgive you for your grievous crimes. Julio may have changed his ways, but he still has his dignity, and no authority on heaven or earth can ever give you the power to turn that dignity into a doormat. What does Julio want from you? Had he still lived his wretched ways, he would have condemned you to death, but he knows better now. All he asks is that you see reason and stop embarrasing yourself before more harm comes to anyone else. One who has never done anything to you deserves a peacful life, free from your vexation. Bear in mind Mr. Balajadia, that pride is a lethal poison. Julio knows much of that, he's been there. The best thing to do, for everyone's sake, is to let it all go, and live peacefully.

A week long of doing...what?

In terms of an academic week. I was expecting, hoping for more. It's a shame that wasn't the case this year...especially now that it would be our last. It felt more like a week long freetime. The only things I remember worth working for, were the bubble math and sayaw ng lahi...everything else was a blur.

I practically spent the whole week doing only one of three things alternately, playing comp games in the SN office, loitering/roaming around the whole school watching other events that the lower years are doing (with the excuse that I was covering for the school paper), and hanging with my friends, most of the time my newfound first year friends.

I was barely around our classroom. the few times I was there, I helped around with props and lantern making, but other than that, i just took pics of the various sleeping people there.

the whole week I was wearing our section jersey, with my custom made name and number (Geronimo 69). speaking of that jersey, I seem to have misplaced it on the last day of aca week...

yeah i took some pictures...but my camera decided to be gay and stayed broken from the second day onwards...so I borrowed cameras from people, mostly from victor (cuz his cam was leet and coool looking) to take my pictures.

ang bilis matapos...classes ulit...buti nlng sa fri walang pasok...haha....

To live life anew when it's already too late

Finally I am free. Free from hatred, free from anger, free from my past, free from myself. Never shall I forget this date, November 24, '07. That was the Saturday that marked my freedom, and the beggining of my new life. My dearest friends were there with me. We had a toast of coffee to our friendship. It was God's gift to me.

I find myself pondering now. Only after four years have I learned to let go and be free. Four years of my life wasted in bitterness and hate. Four years...and now, everything shall come to a close. I've only learned to truly be alive just now, when everything nears its end. Although, I am grateful for my freedom, I can't help but remember and lament that time wasted. My youth that I've wasted. Is this new life still worth it, now that this life draws to a close? I pray so.

One of my dearest friends told me, "It was better that you set yourself free now, than not at all. You're time to live it is short, so live it now to the fulest. Enjoy it, live it, while you still can. It is the only meaningful thing left of the time that remains...". She's right of course. But I still can't get it out of my head...the time I wasted in despairing...a time when I could've already been free and happy had i learned to let go earlier.

I find myself having close friendships with First Years. It seems that, instead of my classmtes, I've found solace and friendship in their younger brothers and sisters. Does that seem strange? Yes, it is strange to find someone my age hanging around kids as young as them. But it doesn't matter to me. I guess...I found a connection with them in a way I can never find among my peers. My young friends remind me of a childhood i never enjoyed, a life I could have lived, the tantalizing "what could have been" had my life been more happy then. I see in them that long lost possibility. I see in them the childhood friends I never had. And I guess, there was a part of me that never grew up, the child in me that wanted nothing more to be loved and accepted. It found what it was looking for in these friends of mine, and with them, I am happy, I am at rest.

My mother kept telling me that the last 4 years of my life should have been my happiest. I spent all that time being the opposite. But now at least, I have set myself free. there is little time remaining for "the happiest times in my life". Then I shall spend what time I have left living the life I should have lived.

The fuse broke for a reason.

Virgil! You once told me that everything had a pupose, even my descent into inferno. I believe you now. Maybe because, I found the reason why I snapped.

I had too much hatred. I held too deep a grudge. I clung too tightly to bitter memories. I fell back too often on my pride and prejudice. I've let crippled myself by fefusing to let go. I was cursed by my own inability to rise from the trauma.

I thought I've learned by now...but now I see that my pride and anger prevented me from doing that.

i was too stubborn. I didn't let go. i shut myself out. I was too proud. I kept passing the blame. i kept covincing myself that I was the victim. Now I realize that i caused my own suffering.

i was too proud...too stubborn...now as I look back...she may be right...I was just too proud to heed her...

God has delivered me. He made me snap. He made me lose that poison in my blood. that hatred, that grudge, that prejudice, because i couldn't do it on my own...

It's only now, when i've taken off the veil of anger and pride, that i see my own faults. i let my emotions degrade me further. It made me the opposite of what i really am. I became closed-mided, prejudiced and proud. And i've suffered because of that. because of that suffering, i became angrier...i became my own persecutor.....

God saved me...Virgil..., you were right. I see that now...there's no anger and hate covering my eyes now...

can I still right my wrongs? maybe it's too late...my deeds were done. i don't expect to be forgiven...

At least now, i hope, I am free from my self-imposed exile...

Letter to my friend

hello to you my dearest friend
not a day has passed that i haven't thought of you
there is no night when i do not pray for you
oftenest you come to mind when in reverie
in thought i smile because of you
in thought only, for indeed
there is no room for smiles in my place
a luxury of life everyone but I can enjoy
only for me to reach in thoughts and dreams
in my imaginary paradise always you are
in my personal heaven always I am
in my dreams we are
then i am happy
then the morn but brings its taunt
ending my reverie of peace and of you
again starts my unending fire
where they i burn, while i am burnt in return
always it seems, i am scorched
by prejudiced fires and proud torches
in that room full of light and brightness
i bear a dark veil that covers me
a curse to me, forevermore
and so my happiness has fled
my being has but perished
but of what i am true
has always remained with you
i can only see you in my dreams and thoughts
for your world is apart from mine
there you are happy
there it is serene
there it is my paradise
for you are there
where you are, my only joy goes
the ghost of my smile , your shadow
the truth of my being, your warmth
as chained as i am
by prejudice and pride
my heart and mind still fly free
at least, in that dream
where you and I
nothing in between.

my hopes are for you
my dreams and smiles
my prayers and my dreams
i wish you well, and wish you joy
i wish you what i cannot enjoy
wishes are all I can show
distance keeps from you to know
for the life you saved for me
i return but love with words
my friend, it's true, perhaps I die
but with you my life is redeemed
until He permits that we do meet
my friend, hear the words I silently speak